You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can vaginas get frostbite?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
