you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
