she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
