I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
