Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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