I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
