I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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