i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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