my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
