Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Only a mothe r could love this liver
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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