you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
