Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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