I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
