Your mouth is God's brothel.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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