we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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