Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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