How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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