Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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