The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Pants are for mortals
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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