Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.