her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
