I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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