I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
