I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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