Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
