D3 body, D1 cock
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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