the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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