Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
