I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
