this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
