NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
