New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
