I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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