I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
