I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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