apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
