If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
