pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
