come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
