I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
