All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize