Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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