at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
