I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
