I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
