Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
