i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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