I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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