The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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