I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
