when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
