I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
