Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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